Humor (Crack UP!)

Everyone likes a joke and a joker. To lighten things up a bit this page will contain a collection of humorous stories and memories I’ve captured along the way. If you can’t have fun, I quit or as someone else said: It is impossible to live pleasurably without living prudently, and honorably, and justly; or to live prudently, and honorably, and justly, without living pleasurably.” –Epicurus, Greek philosopher
MURPHY’S OTHER 15 LAWS  
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.  
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.  
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.  
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.  
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. 
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.  
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.  
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.  
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.  
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.  
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.  
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
PUNS!
* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
When chemists die, they barium.
* Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
* I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. However, he says he can stop any time.
* I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
* This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
* I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
* They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
* We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
* I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
* Broken pencils are pointless.
* I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
* What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
* England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
* I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
* I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
* All the toilets in New York‘s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
* I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
* Velcro is a rip-off!
* A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
* Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
* They found a body covered in corn flakes. They suspect a serial killer. 
* I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
* Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
  • * A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
* How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 

If you suck at playing the trumpet, that's probably why

If you're down by the sea, and an eel bites your knew, that's a moray.  [That's amore']

Irony, that's the opposite of Wrinkly.

If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Big Shout Out for my fingers.  I can always count on them.

In search of fresh vegetable puns. Lettuce know

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

Cow grazes in a pot field.  The steaks have never been higher.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.  I don't know Y.

Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.

I scream. You scream.  The police come.  It's awkward.

My mood ring is missing.  I don't know how I feel about that.

For chemists, alcohol is not a problem.  It's a solution.

Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.

Ban pre-shredded cheese.  Make America grate again.

What I if told you. You read the first line wrong.

Life is short. Laugh at yourself.  If you can't, call me.  I will.

Well, to be frank...I'd have to change my name.

Turning vegan would be a big missed steak.

Our mountains aren't funny.  They are hill areas.

Dogs can't perform an MRI scan.  But cats can.

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